I Hate When You Apologize

9 Feb


“I hate when you apologize. It makes you look weak.”

I’m not sure if I ever spoke those words to my brother or if I just thought them. I was predisposed to be proud of my brother. To want everyone to know that we shared a last name. But I was also competitive.  And those two factions were at war during the years we played on the same soccer team.  We rarely won a soccer game.  And I’m still proud of my brother.  So I guess we know which side won.

But the audacity at the time was galling.  My brother, a useful midfielder, was forever apologizing to the opposing team when he took the ball from them.  Me, a less than useful but determined forward, was embarrassed.


“I hate when you apologize. It makes you look weak.”

My boyfriend spat these words at me. Since I was forever being accused of running faster than him, walking faster than him, having to be better than everyone else at things, I’m not sure if the real issue was that I looked weak.  Wouldn’t he have enjoyed that?  Or if it made him look weak by association?  Since I never apologized for things in front of other people, I’m not exactly sure what the problem was.

And yes, I did consider apologizing for apologizing too much.

Which just shows that maybe he had a point.

The irony, forever lost on him, is that I was actually in the wrong.  I was forever apologizing for doing the right thing, for being the adult, for thinking about others.  I never should have apologized in the first place.  I wish I could apologize to myself now – that younger, wishful, innocent self – for ever being led to believe that I was bad and not good enough and second rate.


“I hate when you apologize. Because then I have to, want to, will always forgive you” he said.
“I hate when I apologize. But I have to, want to, need to know that I’m forgiven” I said.

And my love for being forgiven always trumps.


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