The 80/20 Rule: Philly Boys Explained

15 Dec

It took me 6 trips to Philadelphia in 2011 before I began to understand the 80/20 Philly rule.  For example, this is what Philly boys eat at tailgates: 20% meat, 80% other.  No wonder they boo Santa Claus and win nastiest fan awards.

They eat neon orange French Toast which must be 20% toast (0% French) and 80% contain radioactive substances.  Considering that Philadelphia just won the most toxic water award, this is probably entirely accurate.  (Is now a good time to mention how much I love Philly?  I’m serious!  Toxic water and all!)

And they follow the: if you park 20% in the parking space, no one will notice you are 80% most definitely NOT in the parking space rule.

Not sure that’s working so well for them.

Yet another rule: 20% of Philadelphians can get away with wearing bright rainbow/sequined colors that 80% of the population know to steer clear of.  Pictured below is the 80%…

And Monopoly is a game of 20% luck and 80% negotiation.  Words like dignity and honor get you special points…in some circles.  And even when you own 80% of the Monopoly money, the Philly Boy with his 20% still thinks he is winning.  True that.

And 80% of Eagles fans know that they can only consider themselves true fans if they actually stay awake during the game.  Especially during the first 5 minutes when they are winning!

Ok, that was a blatant lie.  100% of Eagles fans STAY AWAKE.  Err, 99%.  Because 1% shows up so drunk (possibly having foreknowledge that the Patriots are going to decimate and demolish and eat the Eagles alive.  Why do I even wonder where the 80% other Philly meat comes from?  It comes from Eagles fans pulverized by Brady-wannabes.)

And Philly boys are polite.  The ones who are not sleep-drunk, parking cars lopsided, or being eaten by the Patriots, are real gentlemen.  Or they act really well.  There is no other explanation for why they stood there listening to me talk for 20 minutes.  I can promise I was saying nothing remotely witty.  Yet they listened to me like I was giving my Nobel Peace Prize-winning speech.  Or maybe they were just 80% full of sketchy barbecued meat and 20% shocked at the presence of a real-live-girl at their tailgate.

And Philly boys are classy.  Unbelievable classy. They spend 80% of their first date money on a…

White Limo.

Which means they have 20% of their hard-earned cash left for dinner.  Because every true Philly Boy knows that the magic words in any romance begin and end with “Whiz wit?”

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One Response to “The 80/20 Rule: Philly Boys Explained”

  1. Mark December 16, 2011 at 12:01 am #

    LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!

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