Out of My Control

25 Apr

There are many things I’d like to be surrounded with. And there are many things I’m used to being surrounded by. Grief is not one of them.

I often think of this quote from Band of Brothers:
2nd Lt. George Rice: Looks like you guys are going to be surrounded.
Richard Winters: We’re paratroopers, Lieutenant. We’re supposed to be surrounded.

I am not a paratrooper. Being surrounded and submerged is not my normal. Feeling completely out of control is not my normal.

I cannot control the scars on my leg that refuse to heal, after almost 2 months, and remind me daily of that horrible funeral trip to Philly.

I cannot control the cold and hacking cough that make me want to lay my head down and take a nap, rather than prepare for a 4 hour afternoon meeting.

I cannot control the past few months of rejection I’ve dealt with.  I cannot control people I felt safe with but wasn’t. I cannot control the outcome of sports games, the grade on the exam I already passed in, the Boston traffic.

I cannot control the suspicious package that the bomb squad and 17 firemen are detonating outside my office window. I cannot control the weather which is keeping me from running, I cannot control the  meetings cropping up on my calendar, I cannot control the aftermath and hurt from other people’s pride.

I can control my attitude. I can control my ability to listen and empathize with others. I can control the amount of sleep I get (I need a lot more).  I cannot control the tears coursing down my face for the past 2 hours but I can control how productive I am through the grief.

I could not control my past birthday and make it a pleasant one. I cannot control my future birthdays. But I can control my attitude each day in between – accepting and letting go of the bad, embracing the good, rejecting the lies, fighting for the truth.  And I can get things done.  Things that matter.

Even if I am surrounded.


2 Responses to “Out of My Control”

  1. Deborah Zoe April 25, 2011 at 1:01 pm #

    good to be reminded this Easter that while we cannot control our situations, there is a God who walks besides us and helps carry us through:)

  2. Susanna April 25, 2011 at 4:23 pm #

    Love you Liz.

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